Saturday, July 2, 2011


I have a lot of work to do, but again I'm plagued with a form of, I think, indifference. I know I have to do it, I feel guilty I haven't yet done some of it, yet it just makes me want to sit more, not doing any of it instead of the reverse reaction--getting up to fix the problem.

The solution is to just do it, but I always want to counter with, "That's not that easy." But it really is. I fight with myself, the self that wants to disappear into nothing. I always feel depressed about my situation and don't see clearly a solution or path to take.

I don't like this, and it's not a good way to live. I make many excuses for why I don't do things. Most of the reason is I just don't want to get up and do them. I prefer to wallow in the fact that I'm dreadfully behind and can't dig out. But I precipitate it. Hubby commented that my moods shift quickly and he never knows what mood I'll be in. I'm sure it is all connected.

So, how do I get out of this when I don't want to? Then again, I do. It's stupid.

Go further, I'm bummed about my life. Maybe this is a root. My life is not how I wanted or dreamed it to be. I love my kids. They're good, even though hard. I love my husband. What bothers me deeply is that we live in a home that's falling apart, in a tick- and bug-infested environment. The quietness of the country is beautiful, if you can really call it quiet, because it's not, but I love open spaces, grass, no ticks and mosquitoes and black flies, paths, and landscaped grounds. We have none of them.

And the interior atmosphere of our home... that drags me down most. Disrespect, disobedience, unholy games and conduct, crap movies, ghost shows... The thing I wanted most, and thought I was getting when I married hubby who'd just accepted Christ all those years ago, was a godly lifestyle with Jesus the head of our home. Jesus is the head of my home because I put Him there and honor Him as such in my heart, but what is lived day-to-day is worldliness and turmoil. That right there is the downer of my soul. I want nothing more than Jesus to be head of our home, but hubby doesn't establish it. And when I try, I'm called strict and the kids won't follow.

It seems like hubby is content with our life. He grew up in a similar kind of home as ours, with a dad who worked all day then came home and watched TV all night. Maybe this is his lifestyle, but not mine. I always aspired toward more. I don't think he does, and what can I do about it?

Maybe I just give up too easily. Maybe if I focused on doing what I should do, my business and such, maybe I'd make money that would let us change things. But that's only aesthetics. That doesn't change hearts or the atmosphere.

I suppose it would change mine. Maybe that's all it would change, but maybe if I changed mine, maybe that would positively impact others and change theirs. That's a thought, something I hadn't thought out far enough before to see. Maybe that's the incentive I need to get me out of this hopeless hole. Even if others' hearts don't change, mine can, and that gives me hope.

Maybe I can get my stuff done after all. Or at least some of it at a time. Maybe.

~ Guilty Christian


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