I have a lot of work to do, but again I'm plagued with a form of, I think, indifference. I know I have to do it, I feel guilty I haven't yet done some of it, yet it just makes me want to sit more, not doing any of it instead of the reverse reaction--getting up to fix the problem.

The solution is to just do it, but I always want to counter with, "That's not that easy." But it really is. I fight with myself, the self that wants to disappear into nothing. I always feel depressed about my situation and don't see clearly a solution or path to take.

I don't like this, and it's not a good way to live. I make many excuses for why I don't do things. Most of the reason is I just don't want to get up and do them. I prefer to wallow in the fact that I'm dreadfully behind and can't dig out. But I precipitate it. Hubby commented that my moods shift quickly and he never knows what mood I'll be in. I'm sure it is all connected.

So, how do I get out of this when I don't want to? Then again, I do. It's stupid.

Go further, I'm bummed about my life. Maybe this is a root. My life is not how I wanted or dreamed it to be. I love my kids. They're good, even though hard. I love my husband. What bothers me deeply is that we live in a home that's falling apart, in a tick- and bug-infested environment. The quietness of the country is beautiful, if you can really call it quiet, because it's not, but I love open spaces, grass, no ticks and mosquitoes and black flies, paths, and landscaped grounds. We have none of them.

And the interior atmosphere of our home... that drags me down most. Disrespect, disobedience, unholy games and conduct, crap movies, ghost shows... The thing I wanted most, and thought I was getting when I married hubby who'd just accepted Christ all those years ago, was a godly lifestyle with Jesus the head of our home. Jesus is the head of my home because I put Him there and honor Him as such in my heart, but what is lived day-to-day is worldliness and turmoil. That right there is the downer of my soul. I want nothing more than Jesus to be head of our home, but hubby doesn't establish it. And when I try, I'm called strict and the kids won't follow.

It seems like hubby is content with our life. He grew up in a similar kind of home as ours, with a dad who worked all day then came home and watched TV all night. Maybe this is his lifestyle, but not mine. I always aspired toward more. I don't think he does, and what can I do about it?

Maybe I just give up too easily. Maybe if I focused on doing what I should do, my business and such, maybe I'd make money that would let us change things. But that's only aesthetics. That doesn't change hearts or the atmosphere.

I suppose it would change mine. Maybe that's all it would change, but maybe if I changed mine, maybe that would positively impact others and change theirs. That's a thought, something I hadn't thought out far enough before to see. Maybe that's the incentive I need to get me out of this hopeless hole. Even if others' hearts don't change, mine can, and that gives me hope.

Maybe I can get my stuff done after all. Or at least some of it at a time. Maybe.

~ Guilty Christian

This morning we read Proverbs 30 with most of the kids. I had #3 kid read. He got perturbed a lot and the other kids didn't listen all that well, but it's our first time reading together. I'm glad that at least most of the available kids were present for the majority of the read. We didn't get to talk about much of any of it, but at this point, that's not the goal. Just getting the word read is most important. As we get used to that, I imagine the other will come later.

Now, to read again tomorrow. One day at a time, so I don't get overwhelmed.

~ Guilty Christian

I went to Bible study and the leader read the chapter of Proverbs that corresponds to the day of the month. I've not been in the Word of God much. No--not at all. Sick, busy, out of practice... It's not that it's unimportant. It's that it's become foreign to me.

That pains me to say it. Pains me in my mind. My emotions feel rather numb about it actually--right where the devil wants me to be: indifferent to God's word.

Danger! Danger!

Indifference is a silent, deadly killer. An entire church is vomited out God's mouth because of it. I'm going to take my Bible study leader's example and start reading a Proverb a day. I don't want to be vomit.

I get so easily bored reading the same thing over and over, but perseverance in this is good. I need to develop it, especially if I want God to show me anything deeper of Himself than surface stuff. I already know a lot of surface stuff.

So that's my plan for tomorrow. I hope I do it. First thing first, though: get up in the morning with my alarm. That's a whole other tangled skein.

~ Guilty Christian

This is God's response (heard in prayer) to my last post, Pain of Condemnation and Judgment.

I know you have been in great pain. I will not leave you in it. I love you too much. You are valuable to me--always, no matter what you do. I won't let you go. Isn't that what you asked of me as a child? Not to let you go, even if you wanted to?

You are mine always. I made you for myself. You do delight in me. You are just very injured, and deeply. I will reach into those deep wounds and bring healing. Trust me. I will not fail you.

I love you, child. Always and forever, no matter what you do. Believe me. Yes, come. Come to Me and live. Let us walk together for eternity. 

Amen.

~ Guilty Christian

It is always difficult to write after not doing it for so long. I never know what to say because I've locked my emotions and pains well away, or just enough to function without feeling pain so acutely. Of course, I always feel it, but more as gnawing on my inner being that slowly grates more and more of me away.

I'm coming more out of my shell, slowly. Much of me remains hidden still, and may for a long time. God only knows. I know the picture of myself others see is vastly different than what I am. Maybe I look so far more grotesque to myself than to others because I see all my failures and unfulfilled intentions, and feel the pain of them, while others see what I do: somehow a lot of my actions come across as positive or like I'm made of some strong metal I am not. Maybe some of how I feel about myself is from striving for things outside my scope, to be someone I am not, to reach a fairytale ideal I think is real.

Either way, I shut myself up tight with many pains from the past three years, first from persecution against my family from my blog which only affirmed my husband's opposition of my blogging content, and then from my daughter's medical problems when the hospital reported me as a neglectful parent to the state, which was swiftly found groundless and ludicrous given mounds of evidence otherwise. But the two together put me under. I already struggled with feeling like a failure, unloved, unsupported, condemned, and never good enough.

When am I ever good enough? No matter what I do, I always seem to prove that I deserve judgment and condemnation. I must say this, though... of all those who can condem me, Jesus has right and grounds to condemn me most. And He hasn't. I forget that when so much judgment and accusations of failure swirl strong about me. The one, the only one, who has right to condemn me, refuses. Instead, to this day, He still opens His arms to me and says, "Come. I forgive you. Walk with me."

If I can just remember this... If I can just hold this up high like the serpent on a stick Moses lifted so all the Israelites who had been bitten by snakes would be healed and live... (Numbers 21:8-9).

Others have condemned me. Jesus won't.

Thank You, Jesus.

~ Guilty Christian

Is it so bad that I just want to sit here and do nothing forever? I mean, why can't I? Aside from the fact that I have tons of kids, housework screaming my name, and paper mounds as tall as Texan cacti (so it seems), why can't I just sit around doing nothing for a change? Instead, I sit around, call it procrastinating, knowing I should be doing something, and that's bad. But what if I sat here and called it relaxing? Would that somehow make it better?

And why not? Everyone needs to rest sometimes, right? Maybe if I start calling rest rest, I will get up and work when rest is over. If I feel like I'm getting rest, maybe I'll actually start to feel rested, which will give me energy to work again.

Many things can be done or undone with mindset changes. Sin is born in the mind, after all. Think I'll give this a try. So...

I'm taking a break. I'm resting. This is OK. Yesterday I worked. So did I the day before. Everyone deserves a break. After all, God made sabbath for man not man for the sabbath.

And in a little while, my rest will be over. Ahhhhhh.

~ Guilty Christian